complicated...

Sometimes, I wish I could tell him how I really feel so that I don’t have to pretend that everything is fine when the truth is, I want to scream at him for making me feel unappreciated… I keep asking myself why I can’t come to trust him, why do I keep on accusing him and overreacting on small issues. Then I realized that all my paranoia, overreactions and insecurities are caused by the fact that I don’t really know him… I’ve been with him for 6 months now but it all goes down to “I don’t really know him”… That’s the pitiful truth…THE BOTTOMLINE… Maybe that’s why I’m skeptical about his love… He tells me he loves me, I want to believe him but he’s making it damn hard… He keeps asking me to trust him but he doesn’t trust me enough to open up to me... And I’m not saying that I should be the center of his life… (duh!!) but he should at least show that I’m a part of it… Maybe if he could just trust me enough to open up to me… I could learn to trust him in return… But I’m not saying that I should know everything that goes on in his life either, I think I haven’t earned that right yet… I don’t think I ever will and I’m fine with that (I think)… Maybe for him, keeping me off is not a big deal but it can’t be like that with me…
I love him… and to make things worse, I don’t know where I stand in his life… I just know that I love him, he loves me (or so he says) but then again, we both know that whatever we have right now is going to have to end eventually and that is what’s putting the line between us… I know that it’ll hurt… I also know that that’s that and I can’t change it. All I could do is try to make it easier for me when it’d be over… I don’t want him to know how It’d really hurt me to move on.. or even try… I owe that much to myself… Is it really wrong for me to want to keep my pride intact? I’ve already made a fool of myself because of him more times than I want to admit… And I don’t want to add another one to the list…
I keep telling myself that the only way I could make it easier is not to trust him too much because that would mean vulnerability that usually ends with me getting hurt over something I knew was a lost cause all along. In other words, stupidity… and I can’t let that happen. But not trusting him isn’t making it easier at all. My paranoia and insecurities make me do things I don’t want to do. I overreact over small issues and that usually leads to a fight. I don’t even know why I’m mad at him half the time. I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I could tell him what I feel but at the same time, I don’t want to be more vulnerable than I already am... See?? I’m already taking about a break-up… when its hasn’t even happened yet.. waaa!!... Help??